minutia

preface to prey

2009-09-08T10:39:00.002-07:00

So my last post is cryptic and scary. Let me let you in on some context:

Yesterday was a day like many of my other drifting summer days. Maia and I went and sat at The Woods cafe for a long time and shot the air, and then we parted ways just in time for happy hour at Casa. When I got there I ordered a set of bean and cheese taquitos and a Lazy Boy. I read and laughed over a good chunk of David Cross’ new book and then bumped into a couple guys I know, Kevin (Kristy’s ex-boyfriend) and Jaimie (a man I had a Fairhaven art class with). Rachel came and joined us at our table and after a while they took off on a bike ride, saying that they would join up with us later if that was okay. We said sure.

After two beers at Casa we went off to the Up, which just happened to be closed because it was Labor Day. Instead we went to Cap’s, a bar we don’t go to (I’ve only been there once before). Once there Rachel and I shared a pitcher and talked about big important things like school, graduation, the future, jobs, blah blah, (it was actually a very good and cathartic heart-to-heart, let me just say, but this post isn’t about that) and then Kevin and Jaimie dropped in. Before they dropped in I got a call from Kevin double-checking on our whereabouts and also asking if Rachel had a boyfriend. I said yes and that I was sorry. He seemed forlorn, sighed, and replied, “That’s okay, she’s just so beautiful,” which is sweet but started the overwhelming theme of the evening. Once they were there we talked and all was well. As a table we shared maybe two more pitchers, then Rachel and I got a couple whiskey shots, and altogether we left for a change of scenery. The boys decided on home while Rachel and I decided on Casa again.

On the way there we had a grand old time singing together t0 El Scorcho by Weezer, but we seemed to have forgotten one of the verses. That was completely unacceptable so we stopped into Everyday Music which was miraculously open. Once inside we found the CD and asked the clerk is we could please listen to it, at which point he opened it up right in front of us with a razor and popped it into a player. Incredible! What service! (And I am not being sarcastic.) We started the track and sang it together, happily recalling the lyrics we had missed (”Watching Grunge leg-drop New-Jack through a press table, And then my heart stopped, Listening to Cio-Cio San, Fall in love all over again”). Laughing, I took off the headphones and looked around to see that we are the only two people in the store and the clerk is laughing at us. Slightly embarrassed, I explained that we were drunk and simply had to listen to that song, and thank you so much for letting us, and by the way: where is your Nina Simone section? He showed it to me and recommended a live album called At The Village Gate so I bought it and a postcard for Evan (I am listening to the album now and am glad I took his advice). He and I laughed at Rachel who in the meantime was blissfully rocking out to some other Weezer track and had acquired the hiccups. After the track was done we left to go to Casa.

Which was closed! Rachel called Arlo who came to the door saying that since it was so slow they locked the doors early. We told him we would go to the Shoe and he said that right when he got done cleaning up in the back he would join us. Once at the Shoe we walked in with intentions of buying Nicoraguans for ourselves but found we didn’t have to because an ex-roommate of Rachel’s named Nick decided to take one with us and buy the whole round which was very nice of him. Once the shots were done I asked Rachel if she wanted to step outside to keep me company during my ciggarette. There was a regular-looking group of strange folk, one of whom was very clearly a Filipino man who started talking to us. At first it was very nice and I was able to keep him talking about Filipino foods that we both missed and Tagalog phrases and such things, but soon enough he was telling us all sorts of things about his life, like he has to friends and he is a devout Catholic and why don’t we go back in for a drink together? Rachel and I, a little concerned by then, say sure. Once inside he is talking to us and the waitress comes over to ask us for our IDs and our orders, but he blithely interrupts her with a very rude, “Hey, I’m talking to my friends. I’ll talk to you when I’m ready.” Rachel and I exchange glances, realizing that this man is getting stranger. The girl turns around and lickety-split a different woman bartender comes over and says to the man, “Hey, I kicked you out earlier tonight. You’re not allowed to be in here.” He denies it and says he is trying to have a drink with his good friends, us. Rachel and I exchange another significant glance. I say to the bartender at the same time that Rachel does, “This is your bar, if he was kicked out then you should make good on that, don’t let us stop you.” For whatever reason though she just walks away. Right when she goes the man starts talking about what a bitch she is and thank God we’re his friends and why don’t we go over to his place after this drink? I say, “I need to go to the bathroom, don’t you Rachel?” “Yup.” Together we walk to the bathroom, and once inside we say together, ”Let’s leave.” We speed walk out the front and once outside take off into a sprint. “Cap’s!” We both say, and run there hoping that we aren’t pursued.

Once in Cap’s we buy a couple of pints of PBR and look around to find a place to sit. It’s very crowded and so we are forced to sandwich ourselves between two groups of men (both groups have a lady with them, so we weren’t too worried). We call Arlo; he says he’ll be there soon. We exclaim over the crazy encounter we just had and casually slip into conversation with a neighbor-table on our right. From my left I get a tap on the shoulder and I look over to see a very tall, large man wearing dark clothing and who has a lazy eye has scooted up to me. He looks a bit older. I want to say he was somewhere between 28 and 32. “May I sit here?” he says. I see that another person has joined their table, so he has to or I have to move to a different spot entirely. “Sure.”

He starts talking to me. I don’t remember about what, but it was all very innocent and mostly about movies from what I can recall. He’s getting closer all the time, and I am feeling really awkward. How do I end the conversation? He grabs my hand and says he loves me, that I’m beautiful, that he thinks I’m really smart, and again he loves me. Uh oh. And arlo arrives! Yes! I get up purposefully and hug him, whispering in his ear, “This man next to me is getting scary. I might need your help soon.” Arlo sees him and says immediately, “Just say what and when.” I sit back down and in my same seat, deciding that maybe with Arlo’s presence the man, Keith is his name, will be less forward. Keith says, “I want to buy you a drink, my favorite drink. Can I buy you a Nightcap?” I am going to take a moment and say that to my drunk and naive self (naive because I did not know that a Nightcap is an actual drink name; Wikipedia tells me that “A nightcap is an alcoholic beverage drunk right before going to sleep. The alcohol content is higher than a wine or beer drink, usually a liqueur or spirit. Traditional nightcaps are brandy or a cream-based liqueur such as Irish cream”) the idea of a drink named a Nightcap from a man I am finding overbearing and dominant both physically and verbally just seems like another name for a Rufi. He gets up to go buy the drinks. There is a line at the bar so I take this opportunity to fill Rachel and Arlo in on the scenario and my feelings about it. They agree that things are getting weird. They are in the middle of drinks, why don’t we leave right after them? Okay.

Keith sits down and says that he wasn’t able to get the Nightcaps. His reason is mumbled and I couldn’t hear him and didn’t pursue it. I turn away with a, “That’s quite all right!” and try talking to Arlo and Rach. He has grabbed my hand again. I say I’m going to the bathroom. While in there I text Arlo to scoot into Keith so I don’t have to be directly next to him anymore. Arlo agrees. I get out and sit away from Keith. I look forward at Rachel and ignore his stare. After a little while Keith gets up, comes over to me, and grabs my hand again. He explains that he is leaving, but he loves me and thinks I’m incredible. I say it’s good to meet him. He loves me. “Goodbye,” I say.

After he walks out the door a wave of relief hits me and I ramble about how uncomfortable that all was. Last call is announced and my companions say they’ll leave after their drinks yet again, which they are tending to very slowly. Drinkless, I decide to go outside to smoke my last ciggarette. People are walking up and down the street but I am by myself outide of Caps. Suddenly though Keith is there. Where did he come from? Was he waiting? Needless to say I was immediately defensive. He says, “Maryann, I am in love with you. You are so beautiful. I have no friends. You were so nice to me,” and etcetera. He grabs my hand again. I shake loose. He asks me to sit with him. I say I’d rather stand. He insists and puts his hand on my shoulder. I say I don’t sit and smoke. He kneels down. “I want you to kneel,” he says. No. He is talking about my beauty and his love for me. I can’t decide if I want to simply throw my ciggarette away and go inside or if I should slowly smoke it so that he remains on the ground not touching me. I toss my ciggarette away and explain I have to join my friends again. I begin to walk. He grabs my shoulder. He is taller than me, and his lazy eye frightens me (even as it does I feel guilty for the feeling; what does that mean?). He is telling me I should go home with him. I am fearful. Rachel and Arlo come out of the bar, and Rachel puts her hands and my shoulders and leads me away. “We have to go home right now.” I glance over and see Arlo is already in his car that is parked right in front (he only had one drink since he had just gotten off of work). I begin to leave without saying goodbye. Keith is saying that he wants to see me again, he loves me. We drive away. Arlo is speeding, thank goodness.

What would have went down if Arlo didn’t have his car? Would he have tried to follow us home? I think I would have gone to Rachel’s place to stay with her, her roommates and Arlo. That’s two more women and a man than I have here at home where it would have been just Maia and I. I wouldn’t want to get her involved. Was he waiting for me outside the bar? I won’t know for sure, but I think he was.

I thank Arlo and Rachel for the ride and right when I get inside I get a call from Evan. I tell him everything, and he calms me. Eat something really yummy, get into pajamas, hang out with Maia and watch something silly on the television. Call me any time, he says. I love him so much.

Once off the phone I am feeling chatty still. I think my adrenaline was still coursing. I ramble about the evening to Maia and realize that I own memories and experiences that many people in the world will never know because I am a small woman (slightly pretty and maybe a bit too friendly sure that’s all a part of it, but my gender is what it really comes down to). I am feeling bad because something about Keith was telling me he was somehow mentally disabled maybe, but what if that is just me making inferences because he had a lazy eye? What if nothing was wrong with him and he knew exactly what he was doing? The feeling I have is strange: very fearful with a tinge of guilt. But no, I’m not going to feel guilty anymore. Deep down my intuition told me to be frightened of him and I was and I won’t appoligize for that anymore. I can’t afford to. And so that was what I meant by feeling like prey.

prey

2009-09-08T10:39:00.001-07:00

I just felt like prey. This is the first time in a long time. I don’t know when the last time was. I felt very closed to being raped. Gender is confusing and infuriating. That is all I am going to say, since I have thought about it too long already. Thank God I am in love with a good man who treats me with respect, and I haven’t felt this way many more times than twice in my life. I am glad and sad and thoughtful.

before sunrise/sunset

2009-08-28T13:34:00.000-07:00

So i have just finished watching the movie Before Sunrise. It was a brilliant movie about a couple (Ethan Hawke plays Jesse and Julie Delpy plays Celine) of youths who meet on a train in Europe, feel close immediately, and decide to spend just one night together in Vienna (to see what happens). The movie takes you into the lives of these two interesting, exuberant people; their dialogue is real and convincing. The topics they discuss range from trivial to personnal to existential and outreaching. A highly relatable film that you should be sure to take something away from. Their romance is a highly realistic persuasion. I give it a 9/10.

Now i am about to watch its sequel, Before Sunset. The plot seems to be that years later this same couple (who parted ways in the first movie unsure as to whether or not they would ever see each other again at all) are reunited, their feelings revisited.

I have never done this before, but I loved the dialogue in the first movie so much that I want to watch this next movie with my computer in front of me so that I can comment on the things I love or hate, jot down quotes that excite me, and generally just write as I watch. It seems like a worthwhile venture, but we'll see whether or not I am just wasting my time in a moment, I suppose...

Before Sunset:

"What he wants is to fight for meaning."

He was there, waiting for her, and she never showed. Her grandmother had died. She was buried that same day.

her hand is up, palm towards her face, fingers flickers. he is startled.
"say stop," she says. "stop," he says.
her fingers stop flickering, and now she is giving him the bird.

9 years have passed.

"The true work of improving things is in the little achievements of the day."

"I feel like I am designed to be dissatisfied, always searching for improvement."

"Liberate yourself from desire and you will find you have everything you need."

putting passion into action...

"Memory is a wonderful thing if you don't have to deal with the past."
"Can I put that on a bumper sticker?"

"The memory is never finished as long as you're alive."

"If you don't believe in any kind of magic or mystery you are basically as good as dead." -Einstein

they both have partners, both have kids. the tension is palpable, highly sexualized, and sad.

"I am obsessed with the little things about things, people. I see the little details so specific to each of them that I will always miss. You can never replace anyone because everyone has such specific details."

on marriage:
"It's like I have this idea of my best self and I wanted to pursue that even if it might have been overriding my honest self. You know what I means? It's funny. In the moment I remember thinking that it didn't matter, the who of it all, that nobody is going to be everything to you and that ultimately it's just this simple action of committing yourself, of meeting your responsibilities that matters. What is love if not respect, trust, admiration? And I felt all those things. So cut to the present tense and I feel like I'm running a small nursery with someone I used to date."

"Being alone is better than sitting next to a lover and being lonely."

"I don't want to be one of those people, getting divorced at 52, falling into tears and admitting that they never really loved their spouse and that their life has been sucked up into a vacuum cleaner."

she goes to touch him, she hesitates. she doesn't touch him. he is not looking at her. he did not notice her hand.

"I want to see if you stay together or if you dissolve into molecules."

let me sing you a waltz
out of nowhere
out of my thoughts

let me sing you a waltz
about this one-night stand

you were, for me, that night
everything i always dreamt of in life
but now you're gone
you are far-gone
all the way to your island of rain

it was, for you, just a one night thing
but you were much more to me
just so you know
i don't care what they say
i know what you meant for me that day

i just want another try
i just want another night
even if it doesn't seem quite right

you meant, for me, much more
than anyone i've met before
one single night with you, little jesse
is worth a thousand with anybody

i have no bitterness, my sweet
i'll never forget this one night thing
even tomorrow, in other arms
my heart will stay yours until i die

let me sing you a waltz
out of nowhere
out of my blues

let me sing you a waltz
about this lovely one night stand

the sounds of Nina Simone kick in.

"Baby, you are gonna miss that plane."

:Fin

The movie was brilliant. You are allowed to see and hear literally every moment of their reunion, all 80 minutes of it. It was so real, like being a voyeur on two peoples' lives, yet you never feel like you are intruding. They are charming and honest, and you love them. Before Sunset is even more beautiful than Before Sunrise because you see their love as well as their disillussionment, can taste their jaded thoughts, can feel their hearts swelling. And the ending is perfect. Absolutely a 10/10.

latest theater discovery

2009-08-27T14:20:00.000-07:00

i give it a 7.5/10. nice job quentin. congratulations on dialogue well done yet again. and who wouldn't love the ending?

awesome and strange

2009-08-27T14:15:00.000-07:00

AWESOME

http://liveartbites.blogspot.com/2007/08/tokyo-artistic-climbing-wall.html

STRANGE

i went deep into my personnal writing vaults, the ones i shut up and have not been in for a little over three years now, and was absolutely startled and sometimes frightened by the short stories i found. they are so full of pain and anger that i had put aside or forgotten. it was cathartic to read these pieces again, but also very scary.

newness

2009-08-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Here's an update on things in my life:

Evan has graduated from Evergreen and is looking for a job and place up here in Bellingham so that he can be with me while I finish up school at Western. We are taking the next steps in our relationship (long distance to short distance, from close to closer).

I just got done working the Kids Camp at the Rec Center and got great feedback on my performance and have a good chance of getting the assistant manager position if I decide to do camp next summer. Sounds pretty legit.

Maia Melton is going to be moving into my place, and so will a girl I don't know very well but who seems pretty awesome named Becky Alhadeff. The new dynamic with them plus Vanessa and I will be different but incredibly fun, I think!

I am going to be graduating (if all goes as planned) in the Spring with my BA with an emphasis in drawing. This summer I have decided that I will apply for the BFA as well making a total of 6 years here at Western and 2 degrees. I hope it all works out!

On the art front: I am currently trying to do lots of personnal art research now that camp is done and I have tons of free time. I am attempting to find direction for my visual work. I know that my work wants to deal with strong line and portraiture and using new mediums (especially finding ways to make drawings objects while still maintaining their integrity as drawings). Aside from that though I have discovered that I want to do performance art. The work of Marina Ambramovic and Ulay have been an exploding inspiration in my life, and I want to do three of their pieces with Evan this coming quarter. I plan on proposing them as part of my Art 494 class with Cara. The three pieces are Breath In Breath Out (above), AAA-AAA, and Light/Dark. This is the first time I've ever truly been inspired to do art outside the realm of the strictly visual. I hope Cara will appreciate my proposal of making this a part of my Art 494 program. And if she doesn't then I'll have to find other venues to perform these pieces. I believe that doing these mentally and physically demanding performances will strengthen mine and Evan's relationship and bring it to a place we've never been to before as well as give me a new foundation for the rest of my art to come and a new sense of ambition and drive.

Well, I think that has me mostly caught up. If I think of anything more I will add it. I will say that I want this blog to be more than just about me; I would love it to be a place where I can talk about art, movies, and music too on a regular basis.

Til next time!

i haven't posted in so long!

2009-08-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

so, this is my first post here in months. i can't seem to be consistent on things like blogs or diaries. i will simply say that many things are different, or at least they seem that way. now that i have been reminded of this blog, hopefully i will post on it more regularly. now that i have deleted my facebook, maybe this will be my new internet outlet!

this new year

2009-01-02T15:49:00.000-08:00

i've been home for break, a little less than a month i believe, and i don't think i really realized how unhappy i have been since i've gotten here until today. coming home certainly doesn't put me at ease. in fact it puts me even more on egde than all of finals week combined, i think. i can't be myself. i can't leave the house ever without a chaperone, i have to walk on eggshells to not trigger my mother into a rage, the simplest things become huge complications and scandals, and i can't see evan at my leisure even though he lives less than five minutes away. it makes me sick. and the thing that makes me sickest is that i'm too frightened of my mother to rock the boat, even though that's all i want to do. i want to just walk out the door without a word and tell her i'm in love with evan and there's nothing she can do about it, but i'm too fucking scared to. i don't want to make trouble for myself and my family; i'm a coward.

evan asked me today when i was going to break the ice with my mom? when i said i wasn't sure he told me that i was never going to and that there wasn't going to be a day when i wouldn't be under house arrest. he said he was going crazy with frustration and was tired of the whole situation. he called me back later to appoligize for the things he said, but i was saddened by how much truth was in those words. my brother told me that he was going to help me break it to mom, and that he wasn't going to go away and move to las vegas without getting her to accept my happiness one way or the other. this is encouraging but still leaves me wondering these fundamental questions: when the hell is the time going to be right? when am i going to set my mother straight on how i feel about evan? how will she respond to my decpetions all this time? time will tell.

i'm so ready to leave and not come back for a long long time. i can't wait to go home and fix up my room and the house, and then meet my new roommate leta. it's so exciting to think of being "on my own" again, and seeing all my friends i haven't seen in what feels like a long time.

don't get me wrong. despite my less than desirable familial feelings, i am very excited for this new year. i have a feeling that it's going to be fantastic. i have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend, a fabulous town to live in, a fun job doing what i love to do, the entire winter to strengthen up, lose weight, and train, and the beautiful spring and summer of climbing and outdoors to look forward to; not to mention i'm 21 years young! cheers to the new year, one and all, and here's to it being all you want it to be!!

christmas

2008-12-25T18:37:00.001-08:00

my brother, evan, evan's cousin and i all went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button this morning, and we were not disappointed.

it's a beautifully shot story of a man named banjamin button, played by brad pitt, who is born an old man and then proceeds to age backwards. the movie explains his life from birth to death (or birth again, i suppose), from his quirky "childhood" and "adolescence" to his travels around the world and his romance with a woman named daisy played by kate blanchette. filled with magic and humanity, it's a wonderful movie. definitely go watch it right away!

christmas goodies were had today, and i like to catalogue the things i recieve from family and friends. sometimes it helps me step away and realize how thankful i am for lovely people in my life.

the loot...

from my parents:

underwear!

cute leg warmers

sandalwood incense

"cross-action power" toothbrush

two lovely bracelets made from real stone (not sure what kind)

a "warming scarf" with microwavable inserts

two pairs of boots (both incredibly adorable)

from my brother:

an iPod nano

lost season 4

$60 gift card to Romy

from mary and audie:

a book light

wickless scented oils and a holder for them

$50

from evan:

a NERV mug (from anime neon genesis evangelion)

the movie Finding Neverland

from rachel:

a set of cute earrings

a large sketchbook

a plastic pallette

hurray for lovely gifts and loving people! merry christmas!

funny

2008-12-24T11:05:00.000-08:00

and the one that takes the cake is...

also, check this out: http://www.oddee.com/item_94046.aspx

my favorite is the crooked house.

last night and a dream

2008-12-24T09:33:00.000-08:00

last night evan, his parents, his brother drew and drew's friend matt, my brother john, vanessa, rachel, and myself all went out to a fabulous sushi resaurant named sushi tama to celebrate evan's birthday and exchange christmas gifts. it was so much fun. the sushi was excellent, and audie (evan's dad) was kind enough to pick up the tab even though john, evan, and i all tried to fight him for it.

we all exchanged gifts too, and evan and his family are all so nice. evan got me a mug that was incredibly thoughtful because it was just like the one in this anime that we were watching, and i thought it was really neat and said really casually and with no real intent, "ohh, i want that," and he got it for me. his parents were super nice and gave me a reading light that you can attach to your book, a wickless candle type thing that has these scented waxes that melt and smell wonderful, and also $50 (way too much for me!).

after the dinner me, john, evan, vanessa and rachel all went to a bar named cheers west and had a couple beers and played pool and darts. it was great fun, and i was so happy that we all were together to celebrate!

DREAM:

the dream i had last night was horrible though, in spite of the lovely evening. in it i was incredibly sad because (i hadn't seen any of this, but i knew it had happened) everyone in my life were acting as though they hated me, even evan. for some reason i knew all this and i was in the hallway of one of the buildings of my high school. evan was there standing away from me. i told him to wait for me, that i wanted to talk. he looked at me and he started walking away really fast. i tried to keep up with him and he started running and i lost him. i started crying and got lost.

for some reason everything was different and i couldn't tell where i was. suddenly i turned the corner and there was a tent, a big one, and i heard laughing from inside of it, and evan's voice. i opened the flap and went inside and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. evan was in the middle, with kristy huffman (who he dated in high school, and with whom we have a strange and uncomfortable history) was on his left and a girl i never liked in high school but also never knew really named lexi scamhorn (she was best friends with his first girl friend though) was on his right, and they were cuddled together in a way that bothered me. i tried to calm down, and then heard myself ask without thinking about it, "do you all hate me?" they began laughing at me, and that's all they did. they laughed and pointed.

suddenly the scene changed, and i was laying in the tent too, and they had all moved as far away from me as possible. they would look at me and smirk and point and laugh and touch each other like they were best friends (or more). in my hands i had an egg shape, and i knew it was something i had made. it felt like it was made of resin. it was dark black. and i was inserting long wicked-looking needles into it one by one until it was completely full and my hands were bleeding from it. all the while i was trying to talk to them, asking them why they hated me, and they ingnored me. when i was done with the egg i sat up, and they sat up too, and nobody said anything. and then i put both my hands around the egg and started squeezing as hard as i could. they last thing i saw were needles protruding from the tops of my hands, and the last thing i heard was them laughing, and then i woke up. i had been crying in my sleep.

try this

2008-12-21T21:34:00.000-08:00

i found this while i was stumbling around on the internet:

http://www.lovethosekids.com/illusions/mindtrick2.htm

it worked on me, and creeped me out. did it work on you??

poem

2008-12-21T16:43:00.000-08:00

the wind it howls through darkened night
and questions stir invading sight
making clean truths once told seem not
turning cheery ways to rot
blurring lively jumble and noise
boldly you turn but then lose poise
for standing there in winter's grip
a fear so foul that screams do slip
from throat to tongue and tongue to air
wishing hard to not be there
hands they clutch and eyes they close
body trapped in a frightened pose
then warmth and rapture wraps around
then a voice that's cold with satin's sound
holds before you calm delight
and questions stir invading sight
making clean truths once told seem not
now ensnared in dark's deep plot
and though the fear makes pure blood freeze
all his gifts they glitze and tease
and before too long look out behold
another poor soul is dead and sold

bento boxes...

2008-12-20T00:04:00.000-08:00

...that are so awesome i can't even imagine eating them!

snow days

2008-12-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

don't get me wrong, the snow is beautiful blah blah blah. i get it. but it certainly leaves me very grumpy. it's not so much the snow as it is the aftermath of snow that gets my goat. it's the ice and the slush and the sliding and the being stuck in houses that are located at the bottom of incredibly steep and slippery hills. that's the stuff i can't stand. if i could make a truce with the snow that it would never impede my and my getting from point a to point b, well then i would be just as excited for snow as anybody else. as it stands though, i feel a little stir crazy because of it.

rachel came over today though and we made a snow man in my yard. it was funny. the snow man is immaculate. we got done and realized that we had really just kind of talked about christmas for a while, and then settled into plans on what would make the perfect snowy white and proportionate textbook snowman. we wondered to each other, "when did playing in the snow become a test of perfection, a contest?" "what were we thinking about when we did this wort of thing when we were little and didn't care whether or not our snowman was lopsided, or if its arms weren't the same length?" i'll bet that if i had been doing it with evan or carissa it would have been a silly snow man to the max, which would have been great too.

and now i am going to sit my the fire with a mug of hot cocoa and read a silly fantasy novel, which is exactly what i would love to do right now.

dream

2008-12-17T16:29:00.000-08:00

i had a scary dream last night. i dreamt that i was on this crazy creepy greyhound bus in the middle of alaska and i was trying to go to where everyone i knew was. ievan and john, vanessa, rach, carissa, kristin, everyone, but i didn't know where. and the buswas strange because everyone had black buttons for eyes and wouldn't talk to me, and kristy huffman and and a homeless man were having dirty sex in the seat next to me very loudly. sometimes they would stop and snort a few lines of cocoaine, and then play some pool, because apparently there was a pool hall on the bus where frightening men sat smoking ciggarettes and watching them have sex. so we get to this airport, and i'm looking around, and the ghost of everyone on the bus are in this plane we're supposed to be loading into screaming "don't get on! death is coming for this plane!" and it's so loud, but for some reason i'm the only one who can hear it. so i open my mouth to tell everyone we need to stop where we are, but my tongue is stuck to the top of my mouth and my lips are glued shut, and i can't at all make a sound, so i'm tearing at my lips and screaming in my head until i wake up. the last thing i remember seeing is evan running towards me crying. it was so scary.

new years resolution cont.

2008-12-16T11:03:00.000-08:00

tips for weight loss:

1. drink water, and not pop or juice. 8 glasses a day! encourages muscle-building, keeps you hydrated, and refrains from silly sugar intake.

2. eat six small meals a day, or just little things throughout the day, rather than three big meals. big meals increase fat storage, and your body is unable to metabolize them properly. eat every 2-3 hours.

3. add weights to your workout. it burns calories faster and helps boost metabolism.

4. eat a protein-rich diet (make sure those proteins have little fat). protein helps your body burn fat faster, helps rebuild muscle after workouts, and maintains leanness of that muscle.

5. cut calories wisely. take steps to cutting calories in your new diet because reducing calories too quickly forces your body to use up all your calories in your body, which lowers your metabolism.

6. reward yourself. if you have temptations it is better to give in a little bit than not at all and have a big binge. rewards will limit cheating, so have a treat (like a kiss each evening).

7. avoid marathon workouts. rather than having one big workout, have little workouts throughout the day. being constantly active is the key to a healthy lifestyle, and helps your metabolism.

8. mix up your workouts. this helps keep you from getting bored and allows your body to get better tone everywhere.

9. avoid alcohol. alcohol not only has tons of calories and acts as an inhibitor for burning fat.

10. keep a workout and food journal.

11. never skip breakfast.

12. eat good fats rather than bad fats. good fats are avocadoes, canola oil, olive oil, and sunflower oil. bads fats are trans fats and partially hydrogenates oils.

i had a realization

2008-12-16T04:27:00.000-08:00

i really am not satisfied with my body. but i was two summers ago, when i was climbing hard and working at kids camp all the time. i want to be like that again, active and always on the go and always climbing and running around and slacklining.

new years resolution:

to be svelte.

how:

strict vegetarianism, only eating until sated, cutting back on sweets, and most of all EXERCISE. i want to run a mile twice a week and climb hard regularly. i need to stretch daily and do alternative power training on the side (weight lifting, crunches, push ups).

i think that because of my schedule i should do the running and power training on mondays, tuesday, and thursdays in the morning before class.

i am going to make this happen. i want to feel healthy, and fit, and to get better at climbing.

it's been a long time.

2008-12-16T01:46:00.000-08:00

right now i am listening to the most beautiful new music I've heard in a long time. the name of the artist is erik enocksson. The name of the song i am listening to is "the lingering procession." it's blowing me away.

i just got done with my fourth fall quarter at western. things are so different in my life right now. i can't seem to grasp everything that's changed. kristin graduated and now she's gone. she's moved out, and me and the girls have accepted a new roommate into the house. i haven't met her yet, but her name is Leta, and she is dating a wonderful rock climber and person I met this quarter named Sean. us and them might be promising. I have a good feeling about this.

school went decently. I got a 3.8. that's better than i expected. it's scary to think that my education is winding down, even a little bit. i only have three or four more quarters to go. it's frightening. what am i going to do about money? i can't think about it now. it kills me.

i told my sister Merlita about dating Evan. it was a tense thing for me to do; i feel so reserved around her. it's like we have no relationship at all. i don't know if i can say i love her, or even like her. it's a thing that can't be defined, our relationship, because it never really existed. how sad.

the new year is around the corner. i'm 21 years old now. i feel like that's so old. how can i feel like i'm nearing the end when things are just beginning? as schmendrick would say, there are no happy endings because nothing ever ends. there are only beginnings, i need to remind myself of that.

what i've been waiting for

2008-08-22T10:38:00.001-07:00

finally seeing radiohead. they were incredible.

setlist (august 20,2008):

1. 15 Step 2.Reckoner 3. Optimistic 4. There There 5. All I Need 6. Pyramid Song 7. Talk Show Host 8. The National Anthem 9. The Gloaming 10. Videotape 11. Lucky 12. Faust Arp (repeated fuckups as mentioned) 13. Jigsaw Falling into Place 14. Climbing Up the Walls 15. Dollars and Cents 16. Nude 17. Bodysnatchers

encore one:

1. How to Disappear Completely 2. Arpeggi 3. Idioteque 4. In Limbo 5. Street Spirit

encore two:

1. You and Whose Army (dedicated to Seattle WTO protests) 2. No Surprises 3. Everything in Its Right Place

moving too fast

2008-07-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

it surprises me how much college i've actually been through. i'm a senior now, about to start my fourth year, and i can't stop feeling like i was just a freshman. time sort of loses meaning in college. i think it's because you no longer count it is days or weeks, but rather by when an assignment is completed, by the negative space between class, work and homework. when you actually have time to yourself, it's spent perusing mind-altering drugs, and then all time literally becomes hazy. don't get me wrong, i have no problem with experiencing this time in my life in this way, but when i have to sit down and see into my future and plan things out i get horribly anxious.

so here it is: after sitting down today i've come to realize that as long as i get into woodring this coming winter, i can finish my art endorsement by spring and then the education class will fall into place and finish themselves the year after, making me a super senior for only one year. but if i don't get into woodring pronto... i don't know what happens. i have no idea. and it freaks me out. here's hoping all goes to plan.

shittily enough it seems as though my fall quarter is going to be pretty intense. but i guess if that means i graduate in a reasonable manner that's okay. i might just have to take it easy on the 21-runs. ::sigh::

but there's yet another rough stipulation: student loans. i don't even know where to start on that. so i won't.

i don't know that i have anything to say

2008-07-24T21:55:00.001-07:00

but maybe something will come up soon, and this is where i'll put it. maybe i'll keep this as a journal of sorts, for art and poetry and things, or maybe even of my life, which i very rarely feel the need to do, but things change. Maybe I'll even start using correct capitalization and punctuation. but maybe not we'll see.