i've been home for break, a little less than a month i believe, and i don't think i really realized how unhappy i have been since i've gotten here until today. coming home certainly doesn't put me at ease. in fact it puts me even more on egde than all of finals week combined, i think. i can't be myself. i can't leave the house ever without a chaperone, i have to walk on eggshells to not trigger my mother into a rage, the simplest things become huge complications and scandals, and i can't see evan at my leisure even though he lives less than five minutes away. it makes me sick. and the thing that makes me sickest is that i'm too frightened of my mother to rock the boat, even though that's all i want to do. i want to just walk out the door without a word and tell her i'm in love with evan and there's nothing she can do about it, but i'm too fucking scared to. i don't want to make trouble for myself and my family; i'm a coward.
evan asked me today when i was going to break the ice with my mom? when i said i wasn't sure he told me that i was never going to and that there wasn't going to be a day when i wouldn't be under house arrest. he said he was going crazy with frustration and was tired of the whole situation. he called me back later to appoligize for the things he said, but i was saddened by how much truth was in those words. my brother told me that he was going to help me break it to mom, and that he wasn't going to go away and move to las vegas without getting her to accept my happiness one way or the other. this is encouraging but still leaves me wondering these fundamental questions: when the hell is the time going to be right? when am i going to set my mother straight on how i feel about evan? how will she respond to my decpetions all this time? time will tell.
i'm so ready to leave and not come back for a long long time. i can't wait to go home and fix up my room and the house, and then meet my new roommate leta. it's so exciting to think of being "on my own" again, and seeing all my friends i haven't seen in what feels like a long time.
don't get me wrong. despite my less than desirable familial feelings, i am very excited for this new year. i have a feeling that it's going to be fantastic. i have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend, a fabulous town to live in, a fun job doing what i love to do, the entire winter to strengthen up, lose weight, and train, and the beautiful spring and summer of climbing and outdoors to look forward to; not to mention i'm 21 years young! cheers to the new year, one and all, and here's to it being all you want it to be!!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Thursday, December 25, 2008
christmas
my brother, evan, evan's cousin and i all went to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button this morning, and we were not disappointed.
it's a beautifully shot story of a man named banjamin button, played by brad pitt, who is born an old man and then proceeds to age backwards. the movie explains his life from birth to death (or birth again, i suppose), from his quirky "childhood" and "adolescence" to his travels around the world and his romance with a woman named daisy played by kate blanchette. filled with magic and humanity, it's a wonderful movie. definitely go watch it right away!
christmas goodies were had today, and i like to catalogue the things i recieve from family and friends. sometimes it helps me step away and realize how thankful i am for lovely people in my life.
the loot...
from my parents:
underwear!
cute leg warmers
sandalwood incense
"cross-action power" toothbrush
two lovely bracelets made from real stone (not sure what kind)
a "warming scarf" with microwavable inserts
two pairs of boots (both incredibly adorable)
from my brother:
an iPod nano
lost season 4
$60 gift card to Romy
from mary and audie:
a book light
wickless scented oils and a holder for them
$50
from evan:
a NERV mug (from anime neon genesis evangelion)
the movie Finding Neverland
from rachel:
a set of cute earrings
a large sketchbook
a plastic pallette
hurray for lovely gifts and loving people! merry christmas!
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
funny
and the one that takes the cake is...
also, check this out: http://www.oddee.com/item_94046.aspx
my favorite is the crooked house.
last night and a dream
last night evan, his parents, his brother drew and drew's friend matt, my brother john, vanessa, rachel, and myself all went out to a fabulous sushi resaurant named sushi tama to celebrate evan's birthday and exchange christmas gifts. it was so much fun. the sushi was excellent, and audie (evan's dad) was kind enough to pick up the tab even though john, evan, and i all tried to fight him for it.
we all exchanged gifts too, and evan and his family are all so nice. evan got me a mug that was incredibly thoughtful because it was just like the one in this anime that we were watching, and i thought it was really neat and said really casually and with no real intent, "ohh, i want that," and he got it for me. his parents were super nice and gave me a reading light that you can attach to your book, a wickless candle type thing that has these scented waxes that melt and smell wonderful, and also $50 (way too much for me!).
after the dinner me, john, evan, vanessa and rachel all went to a bar named cheers west and had a couple beers and played pool and darts. it was great fun, and i was so happy that we all were together to celebrate!
DREAM:
the dream i had last night was horrible though, in spite of the lovely evening. in it i was incredibly sad because (i hadn't seen any of this, but i knew it had happened) everyone in my life were acting as though they hated me, even evan. for some reason i knew all this and i was in the hallway of one of the buildings of my high school. evan was there standing away from me. i told him to wait for me, that i wanted to talk. he looked at me and he started walking away really fast. i tried to keep up with him and he started running and i lost him. i started crying and got lost.
for some reason everything was different and i couldn't tell where i was. suddenly i turned the corner and there was a tent, a big one, and i heard laughing from inside of it, and evan's voice. i opened the flap and went inside and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. evan was in the middle, with kristy huffman (who he dated in high school, and with whom we have a strange and uncomfortable history) was on his left and a girl i never liked in high school but also never knew really named lexi scamhorn (she was best friends with his first girl friend though) was on his right, and they were cuddled together in a way that bothered me. i tried to calm down, and then heard myself ask without thinking about it, "do you all hate me?" they began laughing at me, and that's all they did. they laughed and pointed.
suddenly the scene changed, and i was laying in the tent too, and they had all moved as far away from me as possible. they would look at me and smirk and point and laugh and touch each other like they were best friends (or more). in my hands i had an egg shape, and i knew it was something i had made. it felt like it was made of resin. it was dark black. and i was inserting long wicked-looking needles into it one by one until it was completely full and my hands were bleeding from it. all the while i was trying to talk to them, asking them why they hated me, and they ingnored me. when i was done with the egg i sat up, and they sat up too, and nobody said anything. and then i put both my hands around the egg and started squeezing as hard as i could. they last thing i saw were needles protruding from the tops of my hands, and the last thing i heard was them laughing, and then i woke up. i had been crying in my sleep.
we all exchanged gifts too, and evan and his family are all so nice. evan got me a mug that was incredibly thoughtful because it was just like the one in this anime that we were watching, and i thought it was really neat and said really casually and with no real intent, "ohh, i want that," and he got it for me. his parents were super nice and gave me a reading light that you can attach to your book, a wickless candle type thing that has these scented waxes that melt and smell wonderful, and also $50 (way too much for me!).
after the dinner me, john, evan, vanessa and rachel all went to a bar named cheers west and had a couple beers and played pool and darts. it was great fun, and i was so happy that we all were together to celebrate!
DREAM:
the dream i had last night was horrible though, in spite of the lovely evening. in it i was incredibly sad because (i hadn't seen any of this, but i knew it had happened) everyone in my life were acting as though they hated me, even evan. for some reason i knew all this and i was in the hallway of one of the buildings of my high school. evan was there standing away from me. i told him to wait for me, that i wanted to talk. he looked at me and he started walking away really fast. i tried to keep up with him and he started running and i lost him. i started crying and got lost.
for some reason everything was different and i couldn't tell where i was. suddenly i turned the corner and there was a tent, a big one, and i heard laughing from inside of it, and evan's voice. i opened the flap and went inside and everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at me. evan was in the middle, with kristy huffman (who he dated in high school, and with whom we have a strange and uncomfortable history) was on his left and a girl i never liked in high school but also never knew really named lexi scamhorn (she was best friends with his first girl friend though) was on his right, and they were cuddled together in a way that bothered me. i tried to calm down, and then heard myself ask without thinking about it, "do you all hate me?" they began laughing at me, and that's all they did. they laughed and pointed.
suddenly the scene changed, and i was laying in the tent too, and they had all moved as far away from me as possible. they would look at me and smirk and point and laugh and touch each other like they were best friends (or more). in my hands i had an egg shape, and i knew it was something i had made. it felt like it was made of resin. it was dark black. and i was inserting long wicked-looking needles into it one by one until it was completely full and my hands were bleeding from it. all the while i was trying to talk to them, asking them why they hated me, and they ingnored me. when i was done with the egg i sat up, and they sat up too, and nobody said anything. and then i put both my hands around the egg and started squeezing as hard as i could. they last thing i saw were needles protruding from the tops of my hands, and the last thing i heard was them laughing, and then i woke up. i had been crying in my sleep.
Sunday, December 21, 2008
try this
i found this while i was stumbling around on the internet:
http://www.lovethosekids.com/illusions/mindtrick2.htm
it worked on me, and creeped me out. did it work on you??
http://www.lovethosekids.com/illusions/mindtrick2.htm
it worked on me, and creeped me out. did it work on you??
poem
the wind it howls through darkened night
and questions stir invading sight
making clean truths once told seem not
turning cheery ways to rot
blurring lively jumble and noise
boldly you turn but then lose poise
for standing there in winter's grip
a fear so foul that screams do slip
from throat to tongue and tongue to air
wishing hard to not be there
hands they clutch and eyes they close
body trapped in a frightened pose
then warmth and rapture wraps around
then a voice that's cold with satin's sound
holds before you calm delight
and questions stir invading sight
making clean truths once told seem not
now ensnared in dark's deep plot
and though the fear makes pure blood freeze
all his gifts they glitze and tease
and before too long look out behold
another poor soul is dead and sold
and questions stir invading sight
making clean truths once told seem not
turning cheery ways to rot
blurring lively jumble and noise
boldly you turn but then lose poise
for standing there in winter's grip
a fear so foul that screams do slip
from throat to tongue and tongue to air
wishing hard to not be there
hands they clutch and eyes they close
body trapped in a frightened pose
then warmth and rapture wraps around
then a voice that's cold with satin's sound
holds before you calm delight
and questions stir invading sight
making clean truths once told seem not
now ensnared in dark's deep plot
and though the fear makes pure blood freeze
all his gifts they glitze and tease
and before too long look out behold
another poor soul is dead and sold
Saturday, December 20, 2008
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