this new year

i've been home for break, a little less than a month i believe, and i don't think i really realized how unhappy i have been since i've gotten here until today. coming home certainly doesn't put me at ease. in fact it puts me even more on egde than all of finals week combined, i think. i can't be myself. i can't leave the house ever without a chaperone, i have to walk on eggshells to not trigger my mother into a rage, the simplest things become huge complications and scandals, and i can't see evan at my leisure even though he lives less than five minutes away. it makes me sick. and the thing that makes me sickest is that i'm too frightened of my mother to rock the boat, even though that's all i want to do. i want to just walk out the door without a word and tell her i'm in love with evan and there's nothing she can do about it, but i'm too fucking scared to. i don't want to make trouble for myself and my family; i'm a coward.

evan asked me today when i was going to break the ice with my mom? when i said i wasn't sure he told me that i was never going to and that there wasn't going to be a day when i wouldn't be under house arrest. he said he was going crazy with frustration and was tired of the whole situation. he called me back later to appoligize for the things he said, but i was saddened by how much truth was in those words. my brother told me that he was going to help me break it to mom, and that he wasn't going to go away and move to las vegas without getting her to accept my happiness one way or the other. this is encouraging but still leaves me wondering these fundamental questions: when the hell is the time going to be right? when am i going to set my mother straight on how i feel about evan? how will she respond to my decpetions all this time? time will tell.

i'm so ready to leave and not come back for a long long time. i can't wait to go home and fix up my room and the house, and then meet my new roommate leta. it's so exciting to think of being "on my own" again, and seeing all my friends i haven't seen in what feels like a long time.

don't get me wrong. despite my less than desirable familial feelings, i am very excited for this new year. i have a feeling that it's going to be fantastic. i have great friends and a wonderful boyfriend, a fabulous town to live in, a fun job doing what i love to do, the entire winter to strengthen up, lose weight, and train, and the beautiful spring and summer of climbing and outdoors to look forward to; not to mention i'm 21 years young! cheers to the new year, one and all, and here's to it being all you want it to be!!